Taking a minor detour from the usual monthly “how to improve” your nutrition posts. I wanted to touch on a subject that is becoming more prevalent and something that I have also been working on , and that is body acceptance and what it truly means to be healthy. I will be the first to admit that I am still a work in progress when it comes to this, but I wanted to share my experience with it as well as some thoughts I have towards improving your overall health and coming to accept the body that your currently have.
For my entire life, or what I can remember (that’s probably about 5th grade on), I have been aware of my size. I was always a thicker, more athletic girl. I was wearing women’s sizes while my peers still fit in to double zero jeans.
For a long time, this didn’t really matter to me, see I was a pretty decent athlete and that’s what my focus was on. I spent hours in the pool each day striving to be a better swimmer, that’s what was important to me.
All this changed when it came time for a formal dance my senior year. There was this dress that I wanted to fit in to, and I believed if a weighed a certain amount, that then I would truly look pretty in that dress. I crash dieted down to my ‘goal’ weight, and for the night, I felt beautiful. But then I became obsessed with maintaining that weight. I had garnered so much positive attention that I felt as though I now needed to stay at this weight in order to be happy. I restricted food, I started running, I quit the sport I grew up loving claiming to be burnt out (but now knowing that I didn’t have the energy to swim 3 hours a day on what I was eating). Basically this first ‘diet’ set me on a course for treating my body like garbage for 10 more years.
I found CrossFit 5 years ago, I started it because I had heard it was good for previous competitive athletes. In no way could I have ever imagined the mental and physical journey it would lead me on. CrossFit (for a while) made me forget about my body, what it looked like, and if I was happy with it on that given day. I dove head first into attending 6 classes a week, and then extra work on my own (I was definitely overtraining here, but that’s another topic for a different day). All the while I was able to keep that little voice in my head at bay, saying I needed to look a certain way.
About 2 years in, I became very serious in the sport. I started following a certain diet template because all the other girls were doing it and they were getting absolutely jacked…and I wanted that. I believed if I looked a certain way, if I had abs, then I would be better at CrossFit. Well through more restriction than probably necessary, I got those abs, and the praise that came along with them: how disciplined I must be, what did I do, etc.
The first big individual competition I competed in, I tanked. I underperformed. This was mainly due to my lack of nutrition knowledge and my desire to look good with my shirt off rather than being fed for my workouts. After this, I hired a nutrition coach who helped me understand the importance of fueling my body for performance. I believe my true healing with food and my body, came after that realization.
Fast forward to now, after taking a step back from competitive CrossFit, my husband and I are expecting our first child in March.
Am I excited? Very. Am I scared? Also very.
And here is where I wanted to address the topic of body acceptance and health. My body is going to go through some serious changes, and it already has. I am truly amazed at the miracle that is occurring in my body. But as someone who has struggled big time with body image issues and disordered eating in the past, I am being very mindful to remind myself to love my body at every stage.
Have I been concerned about how big I’m going to get? Yes. And if I’m being honest, I’ve thought about what my body will look like after baby.
But here’s the deal…none of this will steal my joy. That is what I want to convey to you.
In the past ten years, I have been every size. I 100% can relate with people who struggle with feeling uncomfortable in their body. And I know it’s a serious and valid issue.
I do not want to discredit or dismiss those feelings in any way. There is absolutely nothing wrong in wanting to change your body or feel more comfortable with it. I have been there too. But losing those last five pounds, or hitting desired body weight or gaining abs, won’t solve your problems like you think they will. You won’t wake up one day at your ‘goal’ weight and finally be confident. These are things that I have had to learn and am working on myself, still.
It starts with your perception.
Your identity. Your worth. And knowing all of them.
Once you have determined these, you can start the process toward healing your relationship with your body. Find joy in who you are, not what your body looks like.
Health is what you should be working toward and basing your decisions on…both physical and mental health. If you want to change your body, that’s great, but it should come from a place of love and not hate or shame.